


V.I.L.E., handing a baby a knife: is this how to raise a child?

by mandaree1



Category: Carmen Sandiego (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: Bellum being down to clown with a surgical knife, But here it's just morosexuals tryna raise a kid, Gen, I guess I should tag this as mild child abuse/neglect?, Is he really??? Who knows, Like in a real world situation this would be endless trauma, Maelstrom joking abt being a serial killer, Now featuring: Gertrude the Knife!, Riffing on the scorpion and the frog, Shadowsan being Dadowsan, Skulls are birthday presents right, V.I.L.E. being dumb as hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:22:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26855890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandaree1/pseuds/mandaree1
Summary: Carmen Sandeigo was raised by some of the world's most dastardly villainous minds. It's just a coincidence that they also happened to be some of the dumbest.
Comments: 20
Kudos: 254





	V.I.L.E., handing a baby a knife: is this how to raise a child?

"You cannot be serious," Shadowsan said, deadpan, as Brunt awkwardly situated a high chair on her end of the table.

Brunt settled Black Sheep in and sat down. "She ain't eatin' for her nanny. Gotta get nutrients in 'er somehow while we look fer another."

"Pity," said Dr. Bellum. "I had just designed a special cuff for her. Very dainty wrists."

"This is a meeting. Of workers. Not a daycare."

"If the Countess can have 'er phone out, I can feed Black Sheep."

Shadowsan tutted but didn't argue, as Countess Cleo had shot him a _very_ lethal glare over the receiver.

"To shreds, you say? What a shame. And her husband?" There was a pause. "To shreds, you say. Poor dear. Your report is appreciated." She flicked her cell phone shut; retro was in style at the moment. "I'm afraid the Countessa is no more."

Brunt looked up from her bowl of broccoli with a frown. "Shame. You liked that one."

"She _was_ quite generous with her money. Perhaps a little too generous." Cleo studied Black Sheep, whom had begun gnawing quietly on her spoon. "Coach, are you absolutely certain she's not just rebelling against vegetables?"

Brunt blinked at her. "She liked 'em before."

"She liked anything put in front of her, before. Then Bellum had to feed her that blasted rice."

"Well, _excuse me_ for putting nutritional value over flavor."

She leaned over, running a hand through Black Sheep's curls. "Don'tcha wanna eat yer veggies, lambkins? Don'tcha wanna grow and strong like Mama Bear?"

Shadowsan grunted and pinched the bridge of his nose.

Black Sheep looked at Brunt a moment, then went back to chewing. The woman slammed her hand down on the table. "Dangit, girl! Countries have fallen at this table. Yew can stand a few greens."

"It is a shame," purred Countess Cleo, "The Countessa. She had quite a lot of money, and not enough sticky fingers to peruse the arts on her own."

Professor Maelstrom shrugged and awkwardly patted her shoulder, like a fish flopping on the bank of a river. "There will be others."

"You met her once, Black Sheep. Do you remember?" The girl straightened a little, surprised. She knew not to speak during meetings, and she'd certainly never been addressed by the Countess during one. "She came in that flamingo dress you loved so much."

She hesitantly nodded.

"Ah, good. I'm glad. The Countessa had a lot going for her, you know. Money, a keen eye, even a bit of fashion sense. She'd managed to bag herself a husband willing to support her... habits. But she was weak. She couldn't save herself." Countess Cleo heaved a long sigh, setting her chin on her fist. "Such a shame. She would've been just fine... had she eaten her vegetables."

Black Sheep pulled the spoon from her mouth. Cleo knew she had her when she did that.

So did Brunt, the inklings of a smile on her broad face, as she tsked. "She coulda been as big as Mama Bear, sugar. But, then again... hindsight _is_ twenty-twenty."

"If you're done traumatizing her," Maelstrom intervened, watching with raised brow as Black Sheep shoveled broccoli into her maw with desperation. "If I wanted to make a study on serial killer youths I would've just interviewed myself, thank you very much."

* * *

"Don't yew go touching that drawer, Lambkins. That's Mama's special drawer."

Black Sheep immediately backed away, face paling at being caught. Coach Brunt slept in the same kind of white nightgown her own mother had before her, only Brunt's mother never had six different weapons stored on-hand in various folds, so that probably made Brunt more intimidating.

"Out past curfew?" Coach Brunt said, not bothering to leave the comfort of her bed. "Yew know what that means."

"Latrine duty?"

"Latrine duty. And what're yew doing in here, anyhow?"

Somehow, that only made Black Sheep more embarrassed. The six year old fiddled with her tremendously tiny hands, smoothing out the front of her little red dress.

" _Lambkins_ ," Coach Brunt pressed.

Black Sheep tilted her chin up defiantly. Her lower lip trembled. "I wanted to see if I could do it."

"Don't yew lie to me, Black Sheep."

She flinched. Coach rarely ever used her codename. "I-I heard a noise. Outside my room."

Coach Brunt heaved a long sigh, scrubbing at her face with on beefy hand. "Monster in the closet. Didja sneak past it, or didja just run?"

Black Sheep looked down and away.

The large woman inched out of bed and lumbered over, touching her shoulder with a surprisingly gentle hand. "Yer right to trust yer gut, Black Sheep. This place is full'a thieves. But you gotta use yer bean too." She tapped the side of her head pointedly. "How's about this? I'll lend ya Gertrude fer the night. Give that monster a right scare."

Black Sheep's eyes grew wide. "Really? But Gertrude is your favorite!"

"She is! That's how much I love ya, lambkins." Brunt reached into another drawer and retrieved a hunting knife easily the size of the girl's head. The handle was worn from decades of use, but the blade was sharper than ever. "Bring 'er back in one piece, lambkins."

Black Sheep took it like a knight would a blessed sword, holding her breath as she curled her fingers around the handle. "I will! I will I will I-"

("Cleaners," Maelstrom will say the next meeting. "What happened to your hands?"

Vlad looked down at his bandages and shrugged. "We mopped too close to Black Sheep's room."

"S'that so?" Brunt asked, grinning ear to ear. "Sounds like you shouldn'ta been near her room, then."

" _Ja_ ," Boris admitted. "Lesson learned."

Countess Cleo raised an immaculate eyebrow. "Do I want to know whatever it is you're smirking about?"

"No."

"Alright. Onto the next, then.")

* * *

Maelstrom gave Black Sheep a smoothie, then handed her a tablet. "Fill this out, if you please."

She took it without batting an eyelid. "Another quiz?"

"As always. This one should be able to come up with a decent physiological blueprint of you from..." He squinted at his clipboard. "Ah, yes. Your favorite vague references to Shakespeare in media."

"I have never consumed a media," she reminded him, sucking on her straw.

"Even better! The possibilities are endless."

"I don't think Dr. Bellum would feel the same."

Maelstrom scoffed, ruffling her hair affectionately. "Dr. Bellum is wise in her studies, but her knowledge outside of them is... lacking. If she can't see, touch, or build it, it simply must not exist. It took me five years to convince her that dodos did, in fact, once roam the world."

Black Sheep just barely stifled a giggle. "Is that why you get her dodo skeletons for her birthday?"

"Why, of course. A sense of humor is almost as good as a solid mind. Speaking of." Professor Maelstrom clicked answer call on his screen, bringing up the familiar visage of the scientist. "Ah, Dr. Bellum. How goes it on your side of the Isle?"

Dr. Bellum arched an eyebrow. Black Sheep waved, but didn't interrupt. "Are you giving that child Feedbuzz quizzes again? You'll waste her mind away with that rot."

"It's a fascinating dive into the brains of future elite V.I.L.E. faculty, doctor." Maelstrom took the tablet back, letting out a quiet hmm. "Though I may need to recalibrate this one. Black Sheep, what happened to your most primal fear being drowning?"

"I never actually said that. You gave me four options and asked me what would be the worst. I said that drowning in a stolen car would be. You didn't have fire as an option."

Dr. Bellum tsked. "Honestly, Professor, you didn't even put fire? Sloppy work."

"It _is_ a Feedbuzz quiz, my friend."

"My point stands. Come to me when you want _real_ scientific learning, child." Black Sheep couldn't tell, but she thought Dr. Bellum might've winked at her. "And happy birthday."

The comm went dark. Maelstrom scratched the side of his face, looking put off. "Today's your birthday, Black Sheep?"

"Yup."

"I could've sworn that was last week."

"You wished me a happy birthday last week. I told you it was the wrong date, and you said 'yeah alright' and walked away."

"Hmmm," he said. "I may have been a bit three-sheets-to-the-wind, as it were." Maelstrom opened a cabinet and retrieved a skull, setting it in Black Sheep's hand with a flourish. "Here we are. Happy birthday. It's not jewels, but you can fetch a decent bargain for a well-kept skull."

Black Sheep cocked her head to the side. "But I believe in humans, Professor."

"Ah, a little joke! Wits are an excellent thing." He ruffled her hair. "Let me tell you something I wish someone had told me at your age, my dear. The neighborhood pets will never suffice nearly as well as their owners."

"Is that... a joke?"

He cracked a grin. "Who's to say? Humor is a wonderful tool, after all."

* * *

"You know a lot about blood, right, Dr. Bellum?"

Bellum was bent over her usual chemicals, and waved her usual gloved hand as Black Sheep neared her work, not interested enough to turn around and actually look at her. "Yes, yes, quite a bit. How to dilute it, gelatinize it, weaponize it."

"How to... stop it?"

"Tourniquet, my little lamb."

"Without a clear source."

Dr. Bellum paused in her work, lips pursuing. "I do not follow."

Black Sheep fidgeted a little, face turning red. "I'm bleeding, Dr. Bellum. And I can't find any wounds."

The scientist straightened, pulling her chemically-covered gloves off to grab her chin, studying her pupils with a scowl. "Hmmm. Could be internal bleeding. Have you done any kind of activity that may have harmed your innards?"

"No more than usual."

"Any signs of lightheadedness? Shortness of breath? Rapid heart rate?"

"No, no, and no."

"It'd have to be very fresh. If you'd like, I could run a scan. I may have to put you under and search your organs should that not work."

A surge of anxiety had Black Sheep's hands tightening into fists, but she nodded nonetheless. "Do what you gotta do, doctor."

Bellum went over to her computer and pulled up her past medical files on Black Sheep. The scientist didn't normally go through so many precautions, but this was a special case for a special operative. She might even be convinced to clean the table before operating. "Up to date on shots, no known allergies... have you started cycling yet?"

"Have I started what?"

Her hands stilled on the keyboard. "Menstruation, Black Sheep. Your period." Black Sheep stared at her dumbly. Dr. Bellum muttered a foreign swear and smacked her forehead. " _Oy vey._ I was about to have you sliced open for your period! Do you know what Brunt would do to me?"

"I'm... not sure what you mean."

"You have basic biology lessons, yes? You know about the uterus?" Black Sheep nodded. "When body prepares for child, it puts lining down. Blood lining. Very gross. Then, once a month, body realizes you are not having child. Body gets angry. Body gets revenge. Blood falls out between legs. Some people get it worse than others."

She slowly nodded. "Yeah, sounds about right."

Bellum was back on her computer, this time pulling up a grocery registry the Isle used. She added an extra ration of tampons, then a box of pads for good measure. It was only right she get to explore what products she preferred. "I can only assume Coach Brunt wanted to give you this talk herself. She probably saw it as a mother-child bonding experience. Get more details from her."

"She's still visiting the Appalachians."

"Then go to Countess Cleo."

"She always makes me sit on her piano seat and practice while we talk. It's a white seat."

She swore again. "Your uterus is contriving to get revenge on both of us, Black Sheep. And I didn't even do anything!"

* * *

"Why do you hate me, Shadowsan?" Black Sheep asked, but it was more or a whine. The girl's face showed no signs of it being a serious inquiry.

"I do not. Ms. Booker, on the other hand..."

"It was just a water balloon."

"It was a very expensive outfit, Black Sheep."

"I'm gonna do it every year," she decided, uncrossing her legs. "Are you gonna make me meditate every year?"

Shadowsan rolled his eyes. "I would like to keep my sanity. We will see to different punishments when the time comes." He swatted her shoe in what could almost pass in a playful manner. "Back into proper position."

"This is boring," she decided, but curled back up.

"You lack discipline. It is important for you to learn it now, or it will get beaten into you later." Shadowsan seemed to consider saying more, then shook himself. "Have you ever heard the tale of the scorpion and the frog?"

"Can't say that I have."

He nodded. "Older fable. Russian, actually. The story goes that a frog came upon a river and a scorpion. The scorpion, who couldn't swim, asked for the frog to ferry it across."

" _Can_ scorpions swim?"

"They do not enjoy it, but if it is necessary, they will survive." Shadowsan never seemed to mind her interruptions during stories, which was something Black Sheep appreciated. "The frog rightfully feared the scorpion's tail. The scorpion promised not to sting the frog, and the frog agreed."

"What did the frog get?"

"It got to swim with a scorpion."

"Ah," said Black Sheep, understanding. "Bragging rights."

That got him to crack a smile, though he quickly stifled it. "They went into the river. The frog swam with the little scorpion on its back. Then-"

"What did they talk about?"

" _What?_ "

"The frog and the scorpion. What did they talk about?"

Shadowsan stared at her, waiting for a punchline. None came. "...Frog and scorpion things."

Black Sheep nodded. "Makes sense."

"Anyway," he said, and cleared his throat. "Then, the scorpion stung the frog, and they began to drown. 'why,' asked the frog, struggling against the venom. 'because it's in my nature,' said the scorpion. And then they sank. The end."

"What? That's stupid!"

"It is. But there are people out there who are like the scorpion; they cannot change. Ms. Booker is a scorpion."

Again, Black Sheep laid back, this time sprawling out beside him. "So I gotta be a smart frog?"

"You 'gotta' stop messing with scorpions, little sheep." He made bunny ears with his fingers. "Some of them will sting, even if it kills them."

Black Sheep was hardly listening, looking at her hands. "Would I be a cool frog, with spots? Or one of those boring frogs with bumps?"

"Those... are toads," Shadowsan responded, a bit displeased his attempt at metaphor had been ruined.

"Are you a frog, Shadowsan?" she asked, kicking her feet into the air. "Or are you a scorpion?"

"I will... leave that up to you."

Black Sheep jabbed a finger his way. "You're a scorpion! 'Cause scorpions look cooler. But you're not a dumb scorpion who stabs frogs. You're a smart scorpion who swims his own way across."

He laughed. It was a very rare sound. Shadowsan reached over to ruffle her hair; another rarity. "I will take what I can get."

**Author's Note:**

> I know Carmen was mostly raised by nannies and tutors I KNOW but I just. Can't get over her growing up around supervillains who double as dumbasses. Maelstrom wanted to melt a dubloon into cufflinks. These people aren't bright.
> 
> Side note- most of the age/timeline stuff is up to you, barring a couple of obvious references (BS being little with the knife, her having a period, etc) but it's important to me that she only really gets to act like a child around Shadowsan. She only feels comfortable asking kid questions and making up frog OCs to him. And even if he's still deep into his "I don't like this kid baka" act, he finds her natural curiosity endearing.
> 
> -Mandaree1


End file.
